| team ramrod |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|02:37 am] |
I think whatever this thing is (which has still not been truly 100% diagnosed. If it were, it'd all be out and over with.) is fucking with my hormones. Or, I'm not as alltogether as I thought.
I don't really want to talk to anyone lately. I'm good with my roommates, and of course my family. I spend what seems like every waking moment with Brandon, and I wouldn't change that. Unless it meant one of the jobbies he's hoping for hires him, of course. I'm pretty down. I don't know if it's depressed, per se, but I definitely do not feel like doing anything. Ever. I'd be cool with getting really drunk right now by myself, watching some tv, and then passing out. When I went back to NY with Brandon this week, I saw Ian for a bit, barely saw Liz 'cause my Dad told me I should call her (she's a receptionist for his best friend now, so he talks to her all the time) and no one else. I basically sat on my couch, drank booze and watched movies with Brandon until I passed out on my couch. Oh god, I just disgusted my own damn self.
I had another surgery thing this week, and currently have a hole the size of a dime in my boob, unstitched, for easy access for the next surgery. I'm kind of regretting not taking the semester off, 'cause I don't know how well I'm doing after all. I was doing fine all along, but Brandon was here, and he's basically the person I depend upon. But when he goes home, I end up alone in my room, flipping out, or really blue or whatever. I don't like being dependant upon other people.
I know he doesn't read this, so I'm just going to say it. He came to New York with me for this surgery I had this week, and it was same ol' same ol'. On the way to New York, I had what I think was an anxiety attack. It probably wasn't, 'cause Brandon didn't know it, and I hid it well. I guess it was just me flipping out in my head. I'm new to all this, so whatever. Anyway, I catch myself thinking from time to time about breaking up with Brandon lately 'cause I'm depending upon him too much, emotionally. Sort of a "Fuck you Laura, you should be able to do this by yourself." There's nothing wrong with him, he hasn't changed. In fact, our relationship has gotten to a point where I'm confident in our future together. But I have thoughts of leaving him because I feel to dependent. Then I think about how it'd be without him, and I get really upset. Then I realize how dependent I am. And the cycle goes.
I dunno though, 'cause most days, almost all days, really, I'm completely fine. I even forget that this whole thing is even occurring. But some days are pretty bad...like today. Today's a bad day. Which is probably why I'm writing this. I guess I just needed to not feel alone.
That's the thing...I'm not alone at all. It's 2:20am, the mets lost the nlcs tonight, Ashley's asleep in her room, I bet Brandon's awake right now playing video games, and I bet a bunch of my friends from home would listen to me in a second. Liz herself would probably be here in 4 hours if I asked her to. But still, I feel alone. I don't really get it.
So that leaves me here. I don't really want to hang out with anyone, and I'd love to sleep through the day tomorrow, until alcohol happens. My open wound itches, and we have no more rum.
I don't want to see or hang out with anyone, but I don't want to be alone. Quite the paradox, haha.
Now, just so everyone knows, this isn't a cry for help. I'm not going to like, hang myself tonight. If anyone who reads this knows me, they know that I HATE online "cries for help". I'm just feeling shitty right now, and I needed to write stuff. Here seemed like the best place. |
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| weird |
[Sep. 15th, 2006|12:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
So I find out whether or not I have a malignant cancerous tumor in my right boob whenever this nurse decides to pick up the GODDAMNED phone.
I've decided to write in this thing again, 'cause I have a lot on my mind, and I figure that all the people who happen to see this are few, (I think I'm on like 3 friends pages) pretty drama free and won't freak out or whatever.
I've been feeling really weird this week, I have no idea why. Monday was 9/11 and it was my first one I haven't been home for. Plus I miss my Mom and Dad a lot, so when a 9/11 special came on the night before, even though I was dead set against watching any of those things, I kept it on. So after Liz called making sure I was alright, seeing as how she remembered it was the first 9/11 I wasn't home for, and after Brandon came over, I cried on his shoulder like a bitch for about a half hour. Hey, whatever man. Like I told him when it happened, every girlfriend gets the "I'm going to cry on your shoulder like a little bitch" Get out of jail free card every once in a while.
Then Monday I discovered this lump thing in my boob and I got a Dr's appointment for Thursday (yesterday). Brandon stayed with me at all the doctor's offices, including the Gyno's which was really cool of him. As much as he talks about vaginas, he gets really uncomfortable around them being examined. Hahaaaa. Anyway, I took a bunch of tests yesterday and they have yet to be received by the office upon the last time I checked. I went to the initial doctor and she stuck a big needle in me and found out it wasn't cystic. Then, she was like "well, I don't know, it feels like this, and blah blah mumbo jumbo" (All technical terms, mind you) and then referred me to an ultrasound and pathology test. She knows that it's a tumor, but as to what kind of tumor it is, that's what the tests will find out. I took both tests, but after 4, which is the end of their business day (UH, WHAT? Yea, business day ends at 4.) and was told that I should have the results by this morning. My mom apparently called 14 times demanding results, but they wouldn't give it to her 'cause a. they don't have any results, and b. they couldn't give it to me anyway 'cause she's not me.
So, that leaves me here, on hold, waiting to find out what this tumor is. I had a giggle in the office laying down on one of those contraptions 'cause the line "It's not a tumah" kept rollin in my head. That, and I ultrasounded my hand when the nurse left the room. It's got bones in it.
I love Brandon. He's was my guy yesterday. I'm lucky. I didn't realize all yesterday how lucky I was until he left, when I kind of freaked out and sat in my bed watching a Different World marathon until 2am alone. All day when I freaked out with him, he did something that got my mind off it. You know what, I always made fun of chicks who say shit like I just said, but they're lame, I'm awesome. Dana's been fantastic too. If I ever need a Mommy-friend, the kind of friend that'll take care of you, without being overbearing, she's it.
We took annoying pictures in the waiting room of one of the doctor place things. Hah! |
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| yea i'm 22 |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|02:15 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | club 12.5 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | LIZ FRANCESCONI | ] |
In the last 24 hours I:
punched someone in the face and meant it...for the second time in my life
(note to self: tell CB's about that)
celebrated my 22nd birthday
got drunk off of a beer, and 2 shots
got a shot of morphine for the first time
went to the hospital
got wished happy birthday by the facebook team
text messaged way too many people while drunk or while on morphine
saw mike's ass - was scurred
saw my favorite number in 10 different places
got very excited for life and all that's to come |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2003|01:23 pm] |
Meeeerry Christmas!
Me, I'm going to go play some video games.
I'm not sick anymore...thank you jesus. |
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| sick |
[Dec. 22nd, 2003|07:58 pm] |
I'm so sick right now.
figured i'd give the world an update.
oh, and the website should be up shortly...as soon as this pneumonia like...stops beating the shit out of me. |
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| carry this picture for luck |
[Dec. 19th, 2003|12:05 am] |
HOLY SHIT that was a blast from the past.
the song, i mean.
this time last year...
yea, back to electric circuits |
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| oh yea.. |
[Dec. 18th, 2003|08:52 pm] |
...new away message game:
"Will it spark when microwaved?" |
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| 24 hours |
[Dec. 18th, 2003|08:36 pm] |
24 more hours and you'll be home 24 more hours and this'll all be over 24 more hours 24 more hours 24 more hours
yea, i'm chanting now. but this electrical circuits test ...or studying for it rather...has been killer. i've spent so much time with these 4 guys from my engineering classes (3 of which being frat guys, one of which being matt)...and lets just say that i don't think i could take one more porn break.
anyhow...yea, the past week kinda feels like one giant day. a big blur, if you will.
my phone's completely broken, but it was completely worth it.
related topic...
i microwaved a cd about two weeks ago to see what would happen. i was bored...and all the girls on the floor berated me and told me how stupid it was. mind you, i took no notice, 'cause now we had a specified 'cd burning microwave' which is totally boss. anyhow, when the 5 of us took a dinner break...wednesday i think...they started talking...unencouraged...about microwaving electronics to see what happens.
study break = microwaving everything movable in my room. it's cool, don't deny it. but i do have to say, the past semester i've been hanging out with mainly left brainers...and you can TOTALLY tell the difference between a right brainer and a left brainer. right brainers like to microwave stuff.
anyhow...yea, i just took this break from finishing my ee portfolio to talk about how awesome it is to microwave stuff.
oh, and also the fact that i found it hilarious that we excused every shitty thing we did to each other by saying it was "playing the curve".
"oh...i stabbed your mom...yea, but i'm just playing the curve" |
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| odd |
[Dec. 17th, 2003|09:46 am] |
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i wish sometimes that i had a page like dan's where it's a daily commentary on what happened in the political world...but for me it'd be the engineering world.
"you spin me right round, baby right round
Today D. Kamen commented that his Segue's gyroscopic capabilities would revolutionize the world of transportation. (and there, i'd put a link to whatever the fuck i was talking about)
GET A LIFE, KAMEN!"
yea, that'd be sweet. |
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| i need you so much closer |
[Dec. 16th, 2003|10:55 pm] |
press update journal before you decide that this is way too stupid to post and delete.
too late. |
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| weird |
[Dec. 16th, 2003|08:59 pm] |
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i'm so tired. and worn down. and discouraged cause everyone's going home already.
:( |
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| asodigha;ba;s part deux |
[Dec. 15th, 2003|11:07 am] |
i stayed yesterday in the library till about 5ish or 6ish again.
I was really pumped for studying on ...saturday i think it was (the days are just a blur...i've been up for so long, i don't know which day is which and on what day i did what)...but i'm not so much anymore. i'm ready to go home. and i haven't even taken a final yet.
:-\ |
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| bleaghrgluhdrfsirhg |
[Dec. 15th, 2003|02:54 am] |
I've been studying various scientific/mathematical field study subjects since 12 this afternoon, from 9pm yesterday to 9am this morning...and i'm not half done.
WOOO!O!!O!O!O!OIHOIHV:LASNKF.
yo, guys...seriously, i need to find something cooler and funner to be good at. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2003|02:15 pm] |
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goddamnit, i wish we had the bbc broadcasted on campus. |
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| sup day of creativity |
[Dec. 13th, 2003|03:01 pm] |
i took a few snappy snaps earlier this afternoon.
right now i'm going to go about learning how to use photoshop 7. and i'm going to be an expert at it, mofo.
yea, screw studying. pfft. it wishes i studied it. |
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| arughg |
[Dec. 13th, 2003|11:46 am] |
stayed up till 5 last night with everyone, which is cool. but i woke up at 10, and there's no getting me back to sleep.
fuck. someone tell my sleep...department...that i'm tired. |
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| odd |
[Dec. 12th, 2003|12:13 am] |
I love songs with the word "swear" in it. Not actual swear words, just the word swear. In context, that is. It conveys a certain amount of desparation. And I like that.
So give me songs with the word "swear" in it.
I also love the song "We Looked Like Giants"...especially the part towards the end where Benny boy its screaming. I like screaming in songs. Again, desparation.
I'm out, sprout. |
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| poor single mother |
[Dec. 11th, 2003|12:51 am] |
Styrofoam plates is quite possibly one of the best songs ever written.
Anyhow...I usually want to spew some sort of insight from my day here...but everynight the people on my floor and i sit around and do that till we're blue in the face.
I learn so much more about the people around me and i love them more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2003|12:04 am] |
i honestly used to think that maybe alicia was embellishing it a bit, seeing as how she was his only outlet.
but, oh no...adam is completely insane. |
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